Trust and icy roads.

A few weeks ago my lover and I were driving to Denver for a weekend of fun to celebrate my birthday. On the way, he changed lanes and the car spun out of control. My impressions of the experience are mental vignettes. Watching him frantically spin the wheel to keep us upright and out of danger as we spun in complete circles and zig zagged across the freeway. Red taillights and white headlights melding together in my vision as I clung to door handle and tried to think helpful thoughts. My phone flying out of my hand as we hit the guardrail and bounced into the middle of the freeway. We were lucky, in all ways, and I was incredibly grateful for his driving skill. There were cars, concrete barriers, and opportunities to roll, all of which he avoided.

Driving home from Glenwood Springs this weekend was our first snow driving experience since the Close Call. Roads restricted, chains recommended, poor visibility, and leaving in the late evening all combined to increase the driving tension. I didn't want to burden T. with the extent of my neurosis, but our tell all policy seems to be unstoppable. So driving through the mountain passes, we talked about the nature of our fear. He was driving more cautiously because of our recent experiences. And I was riding more tensely for the same reason.

The experience was enlightening, for both of us. And beyond just driving. We've had poly experiences that were the equivalent of the icy roads and now we have a handy metaphor for the relationship equivalent of spinning out.

More Sex is Safer Sex!

Browsing through a Nantucket bookstore with my (very Baptist) cousin, I picked this book up and thumbed through it. Just released in hardcover, it was a little beyond my book budget. I don't tend to use library books because they get a little testy if you mark them up and I tend to read with a pencil in hand. (Which also makes me reluctant to lend books out, since you have instant access to my inner world reading through it!)

The title essay is the result of applying economic theory to lower the infection rate of sexually transmitted infections. There is something a little off-kilter about applying cost-benefit analysis to this topic (or my favorite chapter which "proves" that having daughters increases the chances of divorce for parents). But it definitely gets your mind moving in new circles.

If you enjoy the occasional mind jump, this is a great book for short, bite size shots of alterna-thinking.

Fear.

When I was 16 and living in Europe, my friend received a day trip to Austria for her birthday. We happily boarded the train and headed for adventure, eager to see the city. Except we didn't. We spent the entire day within sight of the train station. Because I was terrified if we lost sight of it, we'd never find our way back. For 9 hours, we strayed no further than a few blocks from where we started. April was frustrated and angry. But she didn't leave me. (I'm not sure why. But she got back at me later when we went to Italy. A story for another day.) She just kept trying to convince me to see the city with her. I finally conceded and we checked out some shops and a coffee place.

I haven't thought of that trip in years. But it came back to me last week. How convinced I was that leaving the safety of our starting point would be our doom. That we would lose our way and never find it again. I didn't even believe in bread crumbs, I guess. Certainly didn't trust maps. I wonder how much in life is due to a similar fear that I will lose my way.

When I see people young and fearless, eager to wander through the city, certain they will return. I envy them. And I want to warn them. Because when I finally did start exploring, it certainly took more than 9 hours for me to find my way back. I think it was worth it, I've seen a lot of amazing things. But it wasn't comforting. It wasn't safe.

Safer what?

Fight the Hate.

Come to the Boulder County Courthouse Lawn (1325 Pearl Street), November 15, 11:30am, to be part of the largest LGBTQ protest and demonstration to ever occur. Inspired by the passage of Prop 8 in California, this is an opportunity to take our anger and turn it into action. It is a time for us to stand together with our allies and other oppressed groups in Boulder County and beyond. Boulder Pride has joined with a large coalition of local partners, including PFLAG, OASOS, Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Resource Center University of Colorado at Boulder, Rocky Mountain Peace and Justice Center, Naropa, Safehouse Alliance for Progressive Nonviolence, Boulder Community United, and the list continues to grow to speak out against the legislation of discrimination in our community and communities across the country. If you live in or near Boulder, join us at the Courthouse. If you live somewhere else, go to that courthouse. Find other Colorado events at http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/page/Colorado. There are rallies across the country and we hope you will pass this on to everyone you know.

Over the last several days, tens of thousands of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and their Supporters have taken to the streets of California to show their outrage with the passage of CA Proposition 8. Prop 8 provides for a Constitutional Amendment to prohibit same-sex marriage rights. Similar amendments and propositions have been passed in AZ and FL.

The passage of these propositions has angered the gay community and their supporters. Many feel as if they are now second-class citizens in a country that has seen that change can happen
with this historic election. They do not feel that a majority should be able to vote on minorities' rights or vote to take anyone's rights away.

On Saturday, November 15, 2008 this community will again take to the streets in what could be the largest organized Protest / Movement since the Civil Rights Movement. To date, more than 250,000 individuals have pledged to take part in the nationwide event, in which they will descend upon the City Halls, State Capitols and the Nation's Capitol to make their voice heard. Signs, posters and numerous websites have already been created and the word is spreading quickly throughout the nation. Jointheimpact.com lists protest locations in all 50 States and the District of Columbia.

The message is simple, yet loud; Equal Rights for All. Signs seen at the many protests that have already taken place in Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, Chicago and Salt Lake City read: "No More Mr. Nice Gay – Equal rights for all people", "Fight the H8", "Teach Acceptance – Not Hate", "I am now a 2nd class citizen", "I am a victim of H8" to name a few. The organizers of this nationwide event have stressed that it, like the protests that have taken place over the last week; will also be peaceful demonstrations. "The time has come here in America for all people to be afforded equal rights, and we will not stop until everyone receives Equal Rights."

The Protest / Movement is scheduled to take place across the nation at the same time: 1:30 PM Eastern, 12:30 PM Central, 11:30 AM Mountain and 10:30 AM Pacific on Saturday, November 15th, 2008. Those interested in attending this historical event may find their local protest location by visiting: http://jointheimpact.com

Horray for all of us! Wait...What?

This election was certainly historic. For many it was tragic. Gay voters poured out their pockets, time and energy to see our progressive president seated and were pained to see that the initiatives stabbed them in the back. Conflicted celebrants across the country simultaneously cheered for their new president, a man of color and youth and hope, while they grieved the losses of their individual freedoms. Couples who were recently married watched as their states voted to expand the racial possibilities, and at the same time told them that their marriages were not legal.

The questions began pouring in. In May the California Supreme Court said that sexual orientation, like race gender and religion "does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights." Now, less than a year later Arizona, Florida and likely California all pass laws banning same sex marriage. So why and how can we decide that race is no longer a defining factor in politics, and sex is? With all these liberal voters at the polls, how did this happen?

For people of color, race has ALWAYS been a more pressing issue than sexual freedom. This is evident in the lack of diversity in all of the gay, kink and swinger and fetish communities across the country.

I can put aside what kind of sex I have in my bedroom, but I cannot put aside my color. To be a gay person of color is to be an outsider among outsiders. That said, and because people of color have had to deal with so much oppression due to their color, we are a traditionally homophobic lot. It is a repressed, hidden and often shame filled existence.

The marvelous outpouring of voters of color this year is awe inspiring. I am so very proud to see that after 200 years, a person who is of a different race, has been elected to the highest political seat in the country. Simultaneously this turnout brought with it a flood of voters who also voted to oppress the rights of "others."

Is this a sign? I don't think so. I believe in society's evolution. It took a long time to get where we are. We didn't have to have a black vice president before having a president. This elections was a leap in our social evolution. The steps we will see being taken by this next administration will be the true test as to how far we have come. Will our new president make good on his pledge to bring us to a place of inclusion and equality? Will we see people being given equal rights across this great nation regardless of race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, OR color? Only time will tell.

Keep the hope that was shown last night. Keep your voice heard. Give to the NCSF. Support the Equal Rights Amendment. Find the Equality Now office near you. Come to the Creating Change conference and support the NGLTF.

The fight is not over and this momentum should not be wasted.

I want some FREE MONEY!

Sometimes when we think about open relationships, we get most excited about the perks -- more love, more sex, more new relationship energy-- and forget they come with their own set of kinks to be worked through. When Mr. Nurando from Nigeria first offered me $1,000,000 if I would just hold some money for him in my bank account, my first thought was "cool", followed by "sure you do", followed by "what does Snopes say about this one?". It didn't take a lot of effort on my part to figure out that while it would be wonderful if it were true, ultimately dealing with Mr. Nurando was going to cost me more than I could afford to lose. This is compared to buying a scratch ticket on impulse at the grocery store. The odds aren't highly in my favor, but it's not going to break me to lose the dollar.

So when you meet that really sexy boy or hot lady who is already involved, I suggest you apply the same level of common sense that you would apply to a random offer of $1,000,000. Life is a series of risks and open relationships are no different. But a short pause can help you get a better handle on whether the risk you are taking is one you can afford to take.

Read our Denver Sanctuary presentation of this topic here.